If there is one thing I am absolutely terrified of, it is our friend the spider. I know I am not alone in this sentiment but something about those creepy crawly monsters just gives me the heebie jeebies. I don't care if they're killing insects and a part of the life cycle or however weirdos try to justify them..just lump them in with sharks and alligators and get them away from me! I'm so creeped out by them that I can't even bring myself to kill them because I don't want their evil residue on whatever shoe, book or tissue is lying around to squash them (not that I have tissues lying around as I am not a teenage boy!) When I see them it is usually followed by my cry for help, "MMMOOOOMMMMMMM" and she comes to save the day. When she is not around and I am left to my own devices, well hilarity ensues. There are two specific instances that come to mind, one I am currently dealing with (not that a spider is perched on my shoulder at this moment) and one that I will never forget. Enjoy. Mwahhahahahaha...
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| No Jerk Animals Allowed |
When I was in my early 20s (decades ago) I worked as a receptionist at a local fitness center (yes that is how I got such toned abs!) One morning I was getting ready for work at around 5:30am or so and I was looking around for my uniform. As I didn't see it crumpled up on the floor I figured my mom had thrown it in the laundry so I headed to the laundry room.
Now, as most of us live in the 21st century, when we picture a laundry room we probably envision things like a floor and a ceiling. Well you are all spoiled! Our washer and dryer were conveniently located in our basement...which was accessed by going outside, lifting a heavy rusting metal door, swinging it open to reveal concrete steps (or I'm assuming were steps but were difficult to see under the cobwebs and dirt) and going downstairs. Now, I might be an arachnaphobe but I am not exaggerating these instructions: It was best to dive downstairs with all limbs tucked in, breath held and while running. On your way down you would switch the lights on but, as there were often spiders and cobwebs lurking in the corners, it was best to do so with a light speed (which spellcheck thought would be more appropriate as lights peed) pace, with your hand covered in a long sleeve to avoid any arachnid encounters. When you got down there, swatting back the spiders lurking on the step's corners, you were met with a dirt floor, and wooden ceiling COVERED in spiderwebs. (Kind of reminds me of Indiana Jones at the Beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark) Do whatever you needed to do AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE run back, swat off the lights and run out, slamming the door behind you, thereby preventing any further attacks.
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| Heading Into the Spider's Lair |
So on this particular morning, after having showered I stumbled out into the still-dark morning and lifted the door. I ran down the stairs, flicked on the light and reached into the dryer. Now while I was rummaging through the laundry to find my shirt I felt a very slight shift in my hair. Since it was wet I figured it was just falling into place or there had been a slight breeze, either way I foolishly ignored it. I grabbed the shirt, flicked off the light and ran upstairs. I went into the bathroom, shuffled around and glanced in the mirror. Something made me take a second glance and to my sheer terror in my hair was a wolf spider. In case you don't know what they look like here is a picture:
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| Is there Anything Worse? |
Needless to say I did not keep my cool. I quickly swiped it out of my hair while screaming bloody murder. So much so in fact that it woke up my entire family and both of my parents came running down from their room and my little sister from hers. After that, when I could be coerced into going to the basement, I wore a hooded sweatshirt with the hood tied tight on my head...
I have recently moved to Florida and at my new job I park under palm trees when I am at work. The view is lovely, and it sounds exotic...however...I started noticing something whenever I work the night shift. I don't know if it's karma or fate or what but each night I leave work, there is a solitary white spider on my car door. I first discovered this little gift from God when I was driving home. It was dark and out of the corner of my eye I saw a little movement to my left. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a creepy white spider slowing lowering itself toward me. In an ordinary situation I would dive in the other direction or turn and kill it but since I was driving and there were cars ahead and behind me I had to, while simultaneously looking to my side and in front of me, reach down blindly and shuffle around through the used tissues M keeps stashed in the side of the door, grab one of those crusty wonders, quickly open the window and throw the tissue at the spider so it would be sent to its death outside and out of my sight.
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| Quite a Predicament |
Now I don't know if each night it is this same spider seeking revenge or a different one every night but 90% of the time I leave work, if I peer into that little section where the door meets the car, I find this waiting for me:
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| So We Meet Again.... |
Last night after work, knowing the drill, I spotted this little devil and immediately began trying to murder the beast (or at least get it the hell off my car!) I cautiously reached for a large wood chip lying around and kind of pryed it out of its nook but then it began crawling around on my car door. As a genius, I sprayed crystal light on it trying to drown it in low calorie deliciousness. It didn't work but spraying sugar water all over the car didn't seem like the smartest thing to do...I got another wood chip and flung it at it which eventually led it to leap off my car. I hurried into the driver's seat and strapped on my seat belt, surveying the window to see if there where any others lurking around when I saw a teeny tiny itsy bitsy version of my sworn enemy....which means it had babies....in my car...and they have millions of babies at once.... something tells me this is a bad sign. Can't wait to get off work at 11 tonight!
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| Prepared For Battle!!! |
